Facing the Consequences

Five minutes before leaving the house for school one morning, K says to me "I don't want to go to school today." Even though I was in a huge rush to finish making my lunch for work and get my bag ready, I knew it was time for me to sit down next to K, look him straight in the eyes and listen to what was going on with him. I did just that, and in my most calm voice said, "you have never said you don't want to go to school, what's going on?" "I'm scared to tell you because you'll get angry with me," he said while retreating under the dining table where he was finishing up his breakfast. "Remember, I told you that you can always tell me anything and I will always love you."

In a whisper-like voice, K musters the courage to say "I hurt [classmate's name] yesterday when we were playing." 

This is how the rest of our conversation went:

Me: "Did [classmate's name] get hurt?"

K:   "Not too much."

Me: "Did you say sorry to him?"

K:    "Yes, I kept saying sorry to him."

Me:  "Do you know that what you did was a bad thing?"

K:     "Yes."

Me:  "Well, I'm not angry with you. I'm not happy what you did and I'm glad [classmate's name]         didn't get too hurt. So why don't you want to go to school today?"

K:     "I'm scared about what everyone will say at school."

Me:  "Well you did something you were not supposed to do and I know you understand what you did was wrong, but you still need to go to school and deal with what might happen there."

I saw tears begin to form in his eyes as he went to the washroom to brush his teeth. I listen from the other side of the door as he sniffled and cried in the washroom and at that moment, I understood he knew the wrong that he did. I helped him with his shoes and backpack (which I normally don't do now that he can get ready on his own) and we headed out the door to the school car.

On the way to where the school car drops me off to get a taxi to my work, K says to me in a very small voice "mommy, after the next holiday, can I go to another school?" I told him he couldn't and that he needs to learn from his mistakes. We said our goodbyes and he was off to school.

I thought about K all day and how he was feeling inside. I also smiled at what I thought was a good parenting moment for me - teaching my 6.5 year old about facing consequences head on.

Helping Others

K is definitely the business man in the family - when he was 5, he asked the owner of the corner store near our house if we could sell cupcakes (and then money would go to buy a toy piano he had his eyes set on for a couple of months). She said yes and so began our first business together. Last summer, K had the idea of selling fruits and vegetables near our corner store - I knew that wouldn't work in Dushanbe, but I encouraged him to think and plan it out. He made signs, talked about his ideas and continued to ask me when we would start this business. Instead of stomping on the idea that I knew wouldn't work (no foreigner sells things on the street in Tajikistan), I decided to re-shift his thinking and asked him to consider selling things at his school and donating the money to a good cause. He was super excited and began planning a "donation drive."

For about a month, K planned his donation drive every evening after school - he put all his notes in a folder, brainstormed ideas and wrote up to-do-lists. Following an afternoon walk to the grocery store, K came home and said he wanted to write an email to his school director to talk about his idea.

The director invited him to a restaurant for a lunch meeting during the fall break. K shared his ideas, went through his folder, and the director listened. She talked about making his idea a reality and involving the school in a winter bazaar. K was super excited and continued planning with so much energy and passion - it was all he ever talked about. Teachers from his school came to our house for a planning meeting, the kids brought donations to school and we were in full swing for the winter bazaar.

The day came and K was super excited. The weather was beautiful and the crowd was excited and supportive. The kids sold the food their parents made and the holiday cards they made in art class..it was a great event. We raised about 140 USD! The money and donations went to a local soup kitchen run by the Sisters of Charity chapter in Tajikistan.

K's passion for helping people less fortunate was contagious during the winter bazaar. K's hard work paid off. He taught me that no matter how small you are, you can make a difference in people's lives.  

Learning lessons the hard way

The other day, during soccer club, K wanted the ball from another boy whom he said, was hogging it. I'm not sure about the conversation they had about this but in the end, the other boy didn't give the ball and K scratched him on the face. The other boy ran to the playground, kicked something and broke it. The two boys, 5 and 7 years old, were sent to the principal's office, told their sides of the story (both were truthful), and were told that they would need to spend the next day's recess in the principal's office.

This is the story I heard from my husband when I came home from a long overdue solo swim that evening. When I asked Kimran about it, he said "I don't want to talk about it anymore." I left it alone because I knew he and his father had a conversation about this on the way home. I knew K totally got that what he did was wrong. When he realized that the whole recess thing wasn't going to happen the next day, he began to pout and cry silently. I explained that this is what happens when you do something you're not supposed to. After some time to marinate the reality of what he did, I told him the story of two older boys (12 and 13 years) in the school who had a fight and were sent to the principal's office - they had to miss recess for a whole week!

So the next morning, K woke up early and said "I'm sad about today." I acknowledged him and we went on with the usual morning routine of getting ready, eating breakfast and brushing teeth. We were out the door at the usual time and as we got closer to school, K asked me to tell him the story of the big boys who got in trouble - it was comforting for him to know he wasn't alone.

As soon as we got into the classroom, K went up to his teacher and said "I don't get recess today" and explained what happened. I just loved his honesty. He asked me which recess he wouldn't get and I told him I didn't know and suggested he ask the director. He immediately went to find the director and looked up at him and asked "which recess don't I get today?" K and the other boy spent the next two recesses in the principal's office without a peep from either of them.

When I asked him about it at the end of the day, K told me "I saw the other kids from the window playing during recess." Needless to say, I'm sure K learned his lesson that day.

I was very proud of K for going to school knowing what was going to happen and for being honest about his role in the conflict. He's taught me the importance of owning up to your mistakes and dealing with the consequences in style.

My Son's Honesty

For the past couple of days after reading my son's library book, I ask him when he needs to take the book back to school. He always replies, "the day before international brunch day" (a brunch that the school is having this coming Saturday where he gets to dress up in something that represents his cultures - he is super excited about it) "when is that mommy?" And I say Friday, although in my mind I know he needs to return his book on library day which is Thursday. So this morning, being Thursday, I ask him again and get the same response. So I figured, maybe library day has changed to Friday.

When we get to school this morning, K's teacher asks him if he brought his library book back and he says "I forgot it" in the sweetest most innocent voice ever. And then he says "can I bring it tomorrow?" I wanted to give him the biggest hug ever. I haven't stopped thinking about this moment all day. Maybe we'll have an ice-cream treat after school today :)

Praying for Others

Yesterday, before getting ready for bed, I told my 5-year old son about the shootings in the mall in Nairobi over the weekend where many people lost their lives. I'm sure many parents would question my parenting style, but I feel it's an important way to learn empathy. I didn't know if he was listening to me when I told him because as usual, he was busy distracting me so he could go to bed a bit later- a procrastinating technique he seems to have mastered. And then right before we went to the bedroom to put on his pjs, he said "did the people die in the supermarket?" This was the focus of our prayer in the bed that night.

We sat in bed a prayed for everyone we knew (I said the name of everyone in our family) and those that didn't know, including the people who died in Nairobi, their families who are sad, all the people in the world who don't have food, houses, clothes and money (some of whom he has seen in Tajikistan) and people around the world who are sick. My son ended the prayer with "and we pray that we don't have any bad dreams." Yes, he's still at the egotistical age where everything revolves around him, but I believe he was listening to the other prayers and thinking about the people who suffer everyday. I will continue to pray with him like this and hope that he grows up to be a compassionate adult who serves others who are not as fortunate as him.

A Game of Life

Chutes and Ladders (or as we use to call it when I was young, Snakes & Ladders) has always been just a game for me, until I became a parent. This is more than just a game if you really think about it...it's exactly how life is, with all it's ups and downs. When you spin the wheel (or roll the dice, depending on which version you have), you don't know where you will land. And when you land on a number, you might stay there, climb up a ladder 5-10 or so squares further or you might slide down a chute and end up where you started. You might be on a roll and be winning, but an unlucky spin of the wheel could land you way behind your opponent one minute and then way ahead the next and in the winner's seat. You just never know how the game will end.

Playing this game with my son the first many times, I observed his reactions - super happy when he climbed a ladder and terribly upset when he fell down a chute - sometimes we had to stop the game because he was so upset and I couldn't get him to understand that it's just a game and it's no big deal. As I watched him during this time, I reflected on my own life - the ups and downs, the comparisons I make with others, the self-criticism and most importantly, how I react to the challenges that I am faced with (but now I re-frame it to "the challenges I've been given"). I've seen people get ahead only to find them not happy in the end. I've seen others struggle, savor the challenges, rise to the occasion and pursue their passions. I strive to be in the latter group.

Last night, K and I played the game in bed before having a bath. It was the first time I din't see him get upset when I was climbing up the ladders and way ahead of him and the first time he didn't cheat. I want to think that all my talking about how "life is like this and that sometimes we win and sometimes we lose (and learn from our mistakes and do better next time)"...and that this is just a game has sunk in with him. I had a huge smile on my face when he won and instead of doing the happy dance (which is more like "ha, ha - I won and you didn't" dance), K said "now let me help you win, mommy."

Take a deep breath

It was one of those evenings I'm sure all parents have...and it was my turn yesterday. My 5-year old son was not having any of it...I mean, he wasn't listening to me when I said it was time to have a bath (for the tenth time). He wanted to watch another episode of Animal Planet and then go have a bath. He had already watched enough, according to me, and it was definitely time to turn it off. We were going back and forth when I just had it and began to fume, literally fume and about to scream when my son came close to me and said "mommy, take a deep breath." And so I did - and he watched me calm down the way we spoke about earlier that morning.

While walking to school that same morning, I was telling my son what I would be teaching the 12-year old autistic boy I work with every morning at his school. The topic for the week was anger and on that day, we were going to talk about how to calm down when we get angry. So I told him about some ways to do this...count to 10, talk to a friend, among others...and of course, take a deep breath. After listening to his ideas of how to calm down, including have some ice cream, we got to school, I dropped him to his class and gave him a big wet kiss on the lips.

That evening, my son reminded me to practice what I preach. Here's to another lesson from my kid...