Motherhood - Crying on the Inside

It's almost 6 in the evening on a Sunday in May - actually it's Mother's Day back home in Canada today - but in Tajikistan we already celebrated it along with International Women's Day on March 8th.  I'm sitting in bed trying to cool down from a difficult parenting moment with K this afternoon.  I'm home alone as K has gone to his grandmother's house with his dad to give me some much needed alone time.

All my posts on this blog have been the happy, positive moments I've had as a mother - but believe me, I've bad some difficult and not so good ones as well.  Today was one of those days.  I took K to Jumanji, an indoor playground for kids with games, slides, swing, bouncy things and lots of sugar.  We went with a colleague and his kids.  The afternoon started off well as K, who was so excited about going, immediately went to the little kids area, took off his shoes and started jumping on the trampoline.  This was followed by sliding down the slide and landing into a bunch of colored balls.  As the kids played, my colleague and I caught up with each other and enjoyed being able to spend a Sunday together - including the kids.

After an hour and half of playing inside, we went outside and everyone got to choose the ice cream they wanted.  K chose the gooey chocolate one and devoured it, along with his t-shirt that he used as a tissue to clean his mouth.  "Not to worry" I told my colleague who kept insisting that I clean his face and put a tissue as a bib so it wouldn't spill on his already chocolate covered shirt, "I brought an extra shirt to change into after he's done eating."  The kids ran and played hide-and-seek in the grass while we continued to talk and enjoy the beautiful sunshine in Dushanbe.

It was time to leave and K was not having any of it.  A tantrum soon followed and K insisted that he play some more.  I tried to reason with him, but nothing worked.  My colleague, who is a more experienced parent with two kids 5 and 8 years old, tried to distract him by saying we can play and walk at the same time.  Nope, that didn't work either.  While all the other kids watched K cry a bucket full of tears, I told my colleague to go without us and that we would take a taxi home once K calmed down to which K responded with "I don't love you, mommy."  Hearing those words (especially from a kid who regularly tells me how much he loves me - see recent post titled "I Love You, Mommy") really stung my heart but I continued to be strong to what I believed needed to be done - to not give in and hold my ground as a parent, even in the midst of onlookers.  While he continued to cry, I waited for a taxi - let one go because he was charging too much, crossed the street in search of another one - all the while, crying inside.


We finally got home (with K still crying) and I immediately went into my room and laid down on the bed.  It's been a few hours since that episode and I'm still boiling inside - not because K acted the way he did, but because I screamed at him (yes, I forgot to mention that above) in a way that made me feel so bad for him. And all I can think about right now is what I taught him today...that adults can scream when they want to, that adults can get mad and there not be any consequences...what did I teach him?  I guess I have the next few hours alone to think about this.